


the mass exodus of shitty love letters

by vagarius



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bittersweet, Day 7 - Fiction/Reality, I suppose, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, RinRei Week 3, alternative universe, ish, kind of a take-it-as-you-will thing, remarkably little connection to love letters, some actual sweet parts, uhhhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-02-18
Packaged: 2018-05-21 12:45:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6052141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vagarius/pseuds/vagarius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>or: a series of confessions never told</p>
            </blockquote>





	the mass exodus of shitty love letters

**Author's Note:**

> story sort of... splits, partway through. i don't know how to describe it. "separate" parts are put in brackets [like so]. hope it's not too confusing

Rin had written it all down, once. Maybe twice. Doesn't change the fact that all his metaphorical, poetic musings about his undying love for Rei had ended up in the not-so-metaphorical trash, and not even for good reason. It's just.

It's  _embarrassing._  He sometimes wonders if Rei would've gotten a kick out of Rin's beet-red face. Rin certainly would have, in Rei's position, except if he  _was_ in Rei's position, he would still be blushing. Even more so.

He tries not to think about it.

 

 

 

_Pretty,_ Rin thinks when they first meet,  _pretty annoying._

It's - it's definitely the glasses, that kick the can down the curb, push Rin so far over the edge he tips. Before that, though, it's the way he talks, and the way he holds himself, and the way he's so confident in a way Rin's just  _not,_ no matter how much he tries to act it. It's nearly arrogance, when they first meet, and the glasses top it all off so spectacularly Rin wonders if he's going mad.

Rin is blatant with his irritation, but Rei is blatant with his honesty, and it's something Rin isn't used to dealing with, so he pushes it away, just like everything else, but unlike everything else, Rei keeps coming back.

(And Rin will never admit it out loud, but he likes that honesty, just a bit).

 

 

 

"What the actual  _fuck,_ Ryugazaki,  _what the fuck were you thinking?"_

Rin is seething, and he knows it. He doesn't care. "What the fuck," he adds, for good measure, as his fists twitch at his sides.

And Rei is just, he's just  _standing_ there, looking all sheepish and goddamn  _sincere,_  with his burnt hand cradled to his chest, and Rin doesn't know what to do with that. "You're a fucking  _idiot,_ Ryugazaki," he says, instead of thinking, "At least run your hand under water before you go spouting apologies."

_Sorry,_ Rei whispers, his fingers under the tap in the lab, and Rin grits his teeth. He doesn't know what he's supposed to do with the guy.

 

 

 

"You," Rin comments, in as flat of a tone as possible, "suck at English."

Rei bristles in his seat, and that's as good of a reaction as any, maybe, so Rin presses on. "Need help?" he asks, though he doesn't know why. He didn't have a plan when he literally walked into this conversation a few moments ago, and he may not entirely like Rei just yet, but he's _interesting,_ and more time watching him might be fun, Rin figures.

(And if he has a soft spot for the guy after he was left wincing for a week, taking notes with a burnt hand, well, it's not like he has to _admit_ it.)

Rei seems to consider his offer, and eventually nods. "Yes, actually," he says, with a smile, "Would you be able to come to my place later?"

Rin blinks down at the softness of Rei's smile and the certainty of his voice, and thinks of orange cream soda in the summer, then cold cherry coke in the spring. And it's with the feeling of too-sweet bubbles sitting on his tongue that he tells him, "Sure." _I'd like that._

 

 

 

Rei's apartment has the awkward, starchy feeling of _new,_ but Rin feels welcomed, all the same.

The apartment also exudes another feeling, a feeling of _modern,_ with the curved shape of the see-through low table, and the slice of carpet, but of more interest is the book shelves, lined from end to end and then some, and Rin's still trying to read the plethora of titles when Rei starts taking out his school books.

Rin sits, then, and quickly realizes that Rei really does suck at English. He spends a significant portion of the time poking fun at Rei, and sometimes Rei just takes it, but other times, he replies with quips of his own, or a simple _that really wasn't necessary, Matsuoka-san,_ and somewhere around the third or fourth time, Rin says, "Call me Rin."

And Rei seems hesitant, at first, the quiet _Rin-san_ coming out like a question, and then Rin calls him _Rei,_ and Rin hasn't felt so light and fizzy and _wanted_ since he left behind his little seaside town for the street-lined pull of college.

 

 

 

One visit turns into two, and two into three, and three into accidently staying overnight because they fell asleep at the table _again,_ English work long forgotten in favor of theories and novels and laughter.

Knowing this, it really shouldn't surprise Rin when he wakes up on Rei's shoulder, one day, mind drunk on sleepy warmth and skin light under the morning sun, and murmurs, "I really, really like you."

["Rin-san..."]

And when Rei freezes under his cheek, like ice over water, solid yet fragile and oh-so thin, Rin knows he's made a mistake.

(If he's being honest, that's the part he was expecting.)

 

 

 

_"I don't ever want to hear that,"_ Rei tells him, voice hard over the phone. [And he sounds so, so scared.] Then there's a slightly horrified gasp, a few beats, and in a softer tone,  _"I - damn it - oh my god - what was I - What I just said was really out of line, Rin-san. That was - that was horrible of me. Please forgive me for that."_ A pause.  _"Though I'm not sorry for how I feel, only how I acted, before and now."_

[They're both smiling, but Rei still seems so scared, and Rin just wants to reach out to him, wants to say _we can still laugh over textbooks, we can spend all our time in the spring, we don't have to change, not now, we can-_ ]

Rin smiles, savors the taste of bittersweet words on his tongue. "I'm not sorry, either," he says, and the taste never truly fades away.

 

 

 

They're studying together again, at Rei's insistence, and the apartment feels just as starchy and modern and new but nowhere near as welcoming. Rei's staring down at the low table, but Rin can practically _see_ the words struggling to form on his lips to bounce into the air.

"Even though it may not seem like it, sometimes, I  _do_ care about you, Rin-san." Rei looks up, then, and his glasses slide down his nose. His eyes look too honest that way.

Rin takes his pointer finger and slides them back up. "I - "

 

 

 

["I do you like you too, you know," Rei tells him, head still down. "It's just - "

"You're scared, right?" Rin interrupts, and Rei's eyes snap up towards him, like the top off a soda can. "I'm scared, too. We don't... we can go slow, if you want. I care more about you than how you feel about me." Rin pauses. Smirks. Tilts his head. "Unless you hate me, of course, in which case I would insist on hate sex before breaking it off."

Rei blushes up to his ears, and Rin already knows waiting is worth it. "Rin-san! Was such a vulgar thing really all that necessary in proving a point?"

"Well, no," Rin says, and Rei groans, head in his hands.]

 

 

 

"I - "  _like you a whole lot, so much I'll probably burst, but you told me you don't ever want to hear that, and you'd never lie to me, would you?_ " - should probably go. Don't want to miss the train, and all."

_Please don't make me go,_ Rin thinks,  _ask me to stay._ Rin knows this is wishful thinking, and yet, he still hopes, hopes, hopes. "I'll see you tomorrow, then," Rei says, and smiles his soft smile, "Have a safe trip back."

"Yeah," Rin chokes out, and turns to leave. He makes the last train, just barely, and nearly misses his stop.

 

 

 

He writes paragraphs and paragraphs, about his shoulders and his smile and his laughter, and the way it carries across the room and fills the air with the feeling of sunrise –

[ _It's embarrassing,_ he thinks, and shoves the paper in his desk drawer, before deciding better and throwing them in the trash, where they can't haunt him like the blush-pink envelope confessions they really are.]

\- but then he writes  _I love you,_ at the very bottom of the page, and crumbles the paper without hesitation.

(It's kind of fun, crushing the height of his emotions into this silly, broken thing - this inconsequential thing that takes so much and leaves so little.)

 

 

 

"I'm going to Australia, for a few days," Rin says over the phone, though he has no idea why he's calling, "Figured I'd let you know."

[ _"I'll miss you."_ ]

He listens to Rei breathe, for a few moments, and he should probably feel like a creep but all he feels is this numbing sort of calm, the sort that creeps from the base of his ears to the back of his head, all the way down to the tips of his fingers, cold with an incoming winter. Rei exhales. _"Have a safe trip,"_  he says, with an honesty that thaws, and breathes a moment more before he ends the call.

_I love you_ , Rin thinks, not for the first time, and then a new thought emerges, one he's never really considered -  _and you might just love me too._

 

 

 

Rin takes a picture of the ocean because it's familiar, and sends it to Rei because it's beautiful.

[The reply is nearly instant, and rather short; a picture of the city outside an apartment window, and a small caption, saying _but I already have an ocean – an ocean of people. too bad none of them are you._

It makes Rin smile.]

He prays that the message sends.

 

 

 

_Breaking news - plane crashes due to unsuspecting storm._

_An error in communication left a singular flight on its way to Japan while an unseen snowstorm brewed along the coast. The pilot, unaware, was surprised to fly into the heart of it, and was quick to connect with the nearest airport. The signal lasted just long enough to inform the airport that someone was up in the air, but not enough information was exchanged to provide any substantial aid. It appears that there was either some sort of mechanical failure during a mad dash to land, or the plane was simply kicked down by the storm._

_The Australia-Japan flight has brought attention to the electronic communication systems in both countries. The possible bug is being investigated by –_

[Rin runs into his arms at the airport, flight delayed beyond reason, and Rei can barely feel the lukewarm of his cheap coffee spilled on his fingers against the heat of Rin's fire, full of life and light and _he's here, he's home._

"I was worried about you," Rei whispers into the fabric of Rin's jacket, and feels Rin hug him tighter around the waist.

"I'm glad," Rin mumbles back, and they can both hear the unsaid _thanks for waiting_.]

 

 

 

The funeral is more than just a sad occasion.

Rei attends, but he does not make himself known. He cries his heart out, but he does not say a speech. He takes a deep breath, but does not feel the air burn his lungs like it should.

["I wrote about you, you know. Shitty love letters. Thank god I didn't give them to you."

"Aw, but what if I wanted to read them, Rin-san?"

"... Shut up, you never will."]

He opens his eyes, and does not forget the flame of a college kid that burned out way too soon.

 

 

 

_" - care about you a whole lot. I hope it's not too much."_

 

 

 

(Rei finds the letters in the trash one day, and he laughs and laughs and laughs, laughs so much he nearly cries. He smooths them all out and lays them on the bed, and stares at the creases until he starts sobbing, the words blurring to nothing against his eyes.)

 

 

 

 


End file.
